The Mom Guilt is Real

**note that I originally wrote this post almost 3 years ago. Our oldest kiddo was in the throes of toddlerhood, and our youngest was a mere month old. We were on the struggle bus BIG TIME, and yet I found myself feeling guilty constantly that we (meaning me) weren’t giving our kids enough. Enough of what? Looking back, I have no idea…they are now relatively happy and healthy 5 and almost 4 year olds, BUT when you’re in it, especially in the early days, it’s hard.

I wanted to share this early days accounting because Mom Guilt is a theme that’s come up recently in a lot of my sessions with perinatal clients. I want all of those parents out there to know that they’re not alone in this.

The Early Days in Our Family

“Why did we have another kid?,” my husband asked me the other day.

The question came as we were trying to feed our screaming 20 month old her lunch, upset that her 4 week old brother was fussing and needed to be rocked in order to settle. After hours, literally hours, of inconsolable crying as she realized her brother is here to stay, that her grandparents are not here for good, and that she has to split time and attention with this new, small human.

The first words out of my mouth were, “I don’t know.” Here I am, two kids deep; two small humans that I love dearly and wouldn't trade for anything, and I can’t think of anything else to say besides “I don’t know?”

As soon as the words tumbled into the ether between us, my husband chuckled, knowing I didn't truly mean it. Meanwhile, I was caught with that pit in my stomach, gut punch of mom guilt. That sensation I've grown accustomed to after having those negative thoughts about my kids.

Us moms are supposed to have it all together, all the time, right? Love our kids unconditionally, run on little to no sleep, cook dinner, finish the laundry, eat and maybe, just maybe exercise or do some other self-care-esque type thing. Those unspoken expectations of what we believe or think it means to be a mom these days. 

Social Media Influence

In an age of Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest, we’re inundated with images and messages of what it means to be a “good mom.” Those snapshots of happiness, smiling faces over freshly baked cookies, newly created artwork or adventurous outings. Meanwhile, some of us are just trying to make it through a meal without a major meltdown and tears, our kids or our own. No wonder a lot of the time we don’t feel good enough.

I call it the comparison trap. We only present what we want others to see when we post on social media, and people tend not to post all the good, the bad and the ugly. They only post the good. In reality, it can't be that good all of the time. 

Despite logically knowing this, we place so much stock in what we see, and fall into that comparison trap with other mothers that appear to have it all together. "That mom can do it all, so why can't I?"

Am I Making the Right Decisions? (aka To Work or Not To Work? That Is the Question)

On top of balancing home, work, life and everything in between outside of ourselves, as a mom I constantly feel the internal struggle of wondering if I’m making the right decisions. I ask myself daily, “Could I have handled that better?” “Should I have gone back to work so early?” “Is 8p a reasonable bedtime?”

We are tasked with making a million decisions everyday (rough guestimate), not only for ourselves but for our children. If that seed of doubt, or guilt over our decisions, is present, we can feel stuck or have those negative feelings exacerbated. Those feelings can grow, and we run the risk of feeling extremely bad about ourselves and our abilities. Worse case scenario is we can develop postpartum depression, anxiety and any other number of physical and mental ailments.

In working as a therapist, I’ve found that a lot of my clients over the years have struggled with this, as well as with the stigma over talking about it. Luckily, over time, barriers have been broken down and women who are affected by these issues are open and willing to talk about it and to normalize the experiences that women go through when entering into motherhood.

At the end of the day, there is no right decision (as long as you’re not choosing to harm your child, obviously). If you’re attempting to do right by your child, show them love, care and support, you’re making the “right” decision. Children just need to know that their parents are safe, consistent and predictable; the rest just kind of shakes itself out.

Breaking it Down

Feeling guilty is a normal and natural part of being a mom, I think, but it’s important to understand where the feelings of guilt come from. Those gut-punch moments after we’ve reacted in ways we’re not proud of can help keep in check our behaviors and reactions. Acknowledging our mistakes and learning from them means we’re being good parents.

If we’re coming from a place of guilt regarding not doing enough, or falling into that comparison trap, that’s a whole nother story. We have to remember that we’re all inherently doing the best we can, with the resources that we have. But is there anything else we can do to protect ourselves from the effects of this?

Find Your Tribe

Which takes me back to the exchange with my husband, a real moment. Talking about the way we truly feel should not cause us to feel guilty. Having thoughts and feelings that are negative, even about our children, should not cause us to feel guilty. They are our feelings, and they are valid.

The most important thing I have found in my life are the other moms that I can have real conversations with. The people I can say, “my kid was a butt today,” and their response is, “yeah, kids are butts,” then tell some off-handed joke that makes me feel human again. This idea of “finding my tribe,” of having a community of moms that I can relate and belong to has been incredibly helpful for me, and has been shown to be a strong protective factor for other moms.

And don’t be discouraged if you’re having a hard time finding those people. It can take time! I’m now the mom of a 21 month old and an 8 week old, and I’m just finding a larger group of moms who seem to have the same sense of humor and thoughts about motherhood that I do (this group!). When it clicks, it’s amazing and can be just what you need to get through this craziness that we call parenting.